Part 3: GIVE Skills/technique or appreciation-based praise & AVOID person, looks, or talent-based praise.
I had been called ‘fatty’ by some family members for a large part of my childhood years. I was actually within a healthy weight according to medical standards, but I started to believe deep down, I was ‘too fat’ (aka not good enough.)
But when I hit puberty, my body changed and one day I was suddenly ‘complimented’ by a female member of my extended family who said “Oh wow Ashley. You’re so skinny now. You’ve lost so much weight. You look great.”
I was 12 years old. I was floored. My mind jumped with excitement.
I had never been called ‘skinny’ before! Throughout my formative years I was told I was fat.
So, what happened? I glommed on to this new-found approval, beginning my infatuation with wanting to be skinny so I could retain the approval I was getting… The ‘fatty’ comments I got before were constantly telling me that I was “not good enough.”
Where did this land me?
In my desperate attempts to retain this approval, I developed anorexia which later turned into bulimia. I battled with depression with a core belief that I was not ‘good enough’; my self-image was very distorted.
It’s crucial to note that kids very much want approval from adults around them. When approval is received from our external environment, it can create a desire for more of the same – leading to perfectionist tendencies because it invites further approval. Not only is this an issue, but it can also be downright harmful or even life-threatening in some cases, especially due to social media. Let’s get into that a bit later.
Another thing to note is that skills developed and accomplishments achieved don’t happen overnight but rather, with consistent effort over time. This contrasts sharply with the word “talent” which is often referred to as something natural that didn’t take much skill to acquire.
For example, indicating a child is a talented pianist invites the idea that she’s a natural at it. Whereas a child struggling with piano won’t be told she’s talented. But in reality, the child did not come out of the womb knowing how to play the piano. She needed to attend lessons, go through coaching, and participate in recitals for her to have acquired the skills and confidence to play the piano well.
When we focus on talent only, we dismiss the work and effort that the child puts into the skill-formation.
Let’s examine this further.
We say to the child (and the child also hears similar kinds of praise throughout her daily life): “Wow, you’re so awesome. You played the piano so well. You’re so talented.”
If this child develops the affinity for the praise she receives for her talent, one day when she flubs-up in a piano practice or recital and doesn’t get the approval of adults around her, it can cause damage to her self-esteem; this is the same child that then goes into her room later and reprimands herself for “not getting it.”
One instance isn’t the issue; it’s when this type of praise is commonplace in her life at home, the grandparent’s home, school, and in extra-curricular. If she is consistently being evaluated based on her performance and talent when mistakes arise she becomes the child who is excessively hard on herself.
Remember, kids love approval – HECK – all humans love approval. And statistics show that most of this approval is not coming from the inside; it’s external, which is troublesome.
Now, let’s say this child is complimented based on her efforts and appreciated for it.
For example, if she performs well at a recital, we might say “Wow! I felt so happy listening to you play. I think you must have worked hard on that piece, am I right? I really appreciate your piano-playing skills.”
There are SO MANY reasons why the second statement, what I call an Empowerment Phrase, is so powerful.
- You indicate your delight with the “Wow.”
- You share your feelings – “happy”.
- You share your thoughts about her effort, and also ask for clarification that she worked to achieve this success, thereby acknowledging the effort it took.
- You shared appreciation for the child’s skills.
- The whole communication comes from a place of ‘ownership’ – it comes from a place of “I” not “you.”
Praise on the other hand becomes completely about the child: “You are so talented.” “You played so fantastically.” “You are …..”
Notice each sentence starts with “You.” The child ends up taking responsibility for your compliments… including when the compliments stop…
This can be shifted easily to “I think you…” which comes from a place of “I” and ownership (opinion), but still feeds the external validation.
Now, why am I bothering to go into so much detail with you?
Because WE ALL HAVE BASIC CORE NEEDS. Kid’s needs are STRONGER because they haven’t formed a full understanding of their personal identity until they are in their mid-twenties and have a fully developed brain.
Some of the core needs that are addressed in the empowerment phrase earlier are:
-Need for Appreciation
-Need for Acceptance
-Need for Attention
-Need for Honesty
-Need for Respect
In the same way, where we grew up in a world of ‘good boy’ and ‘bad boy’ terminology, we now know the detriment this causes young minds. In fact, labeling a person as ‘something’ can lower self-esteem – even if the label is perceived as good – like a compliment. If a ‘good boy’ makes a mistake one day and is suddenly called a ‘bad boy’, that can shatter his perception of himself.
If we say to a girl for a large period of her life “You are so pretty. Gosh, you’re so pretty,” she can start to base her worth on the approval or validation of her appearance. One day, if she is, isn’t complimented on her looks, she may start to wonder why, and start to question her ‘enough-ness’ (her self-worth).
Social media feeds external validation. When this same girl posts a picture of herself all done up as a teen, and for whatever reason, doesn’t get as many likes as she’s used to, she will feel negative about herself. The issue is that this isn’t a one-off experience. External validation has no end-point; if we live off of it, we find ourselves in a bottomless pit wondering how to love ourselves… and it shows up in our adulthood.
I strongly believe that kids need to know they are beautiful from the inside out, and in fact, knowing our own beauty is a CORE NEED, thus I am a proponent of letting kids know about their beauty.
What if we shift how we share our admiration of their external beauty?
“Wow, I love your hair. Where did you learn to do it like that?”
For younger kids, it might sound like “I feel happy when I see your bouncy curly hair! How do you feel about your hair?”
It’s likely that a child now has the opportunity to say “I love my hair” which warms your heart as an adult, and empowers her with positive self-talk. Or it gives the child a chance to voice her disdain with her hair such as “I don’t like it. It’s too frizzy.” In this case, a conscious parent has the opportunity to help her find the beauty in her hair.
Such a shift in language, right?
Here’s something to think about: “Communication has been taught so poorly in our communities and upbringing that we are having to collectively re-learn it.” – Georgia Morley
Words matter. How we say it matters. It’s about time we reconstruct our methods of healthy and supportive communication.
Children will rely on adults to help them construct their internal views of themselves. If the views they see are constructed based on ‘who they are’ or their talent as a condition of their success or achievement, they may not want to do certain things out of fear of failure, or fear of disappointing others or themselves. This is evident in children who tend to stay in their comfort zone.
Sharing your thoughts of appreciation with children is fantastic for building self-esteem and self-worth.
“I really appreciate the time and effort you put into getting dressed up today for the wedding. I hope you feel great in that dress!”
“I really appreciated your effort in soccer practice today.”
Get the picture? The cool thing about appreciation based praise is that your kids will learn from you and one day turn around to say “Mom (or Dad), I really appreciate the time and effort you put into making dinner tonight.”
So cool right!
If you’d like for your child to learn more about self-esteem and self-confidence, feel free to reach out: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Here’s what my past clients have said:
“Ashley helped unlock the power and strength that I knew my child had all along, but was too riddled with anxiety and doubt to express it.” – Monica Baker, mother of 10-year-old participant
“Ashley does an incredible job with the kids. Her programs provide a ton of value and we noticed an immediate shift in our 9-year-old daughter. The techniques and tools are easy to use and we use them all time! Thank you Ashley for your magical presence and ability to guide the children to new heights.” – DeeAnne Reindeau, mother of 9-year-old participant
Ashley Anjlien Kumar is a mother of 2, author, speaker, and certified Wisdom Coach™ for Kids. She goes by ‘The Confidence Coach’ and coaches kids all across the country but has her home base in Edmonton, AB. Have grown up experiencing low self-worth, poor self-image, and self-harm from as young as age 6, Ashley is now dedicated to empowering kids to develop ‘Sensational Self-Confidence & Soaring Self-Esteem’ in order to live a self-empowered, self-connected and self-motivated amazing life! She can be reached at email@example.com . Also find her at her website, Facebook and Instagram.