In Lifestyle, Random Thoughts on
September 19, 2018

How am I not OK but OK?

One of our contributors shares her inner thoughts about change along the journey of life, motherhood and new beginnings. 

Who am I? I am a mother. I am still a mother. Am I still an entrepreneur? Do I still get be a dietitian? What about an aesthetician? I have loved having all of these labels. But now there is loss. A deep loss. A loss of a company, a team, loss of the school we started at and almost the loss of everything, including my family. It feels like I lost my village. And I’m not through it yet. So am I OK? I think so, but I don’t know how to reply.

From days filled with great clients and team members, paperwork and payroll. These days were busy. Feelings of running off my feet, putting out fires, and laundry, oh so much laundry. Now they are filled with walking kids to school, baking, scratch cooking, housework and what? Quiet days. Missing people. Missing work. Missing busy. So am I OK?

Through much of my working career, I have found myself to be very goal oriented but not with the details. I loved working with people and learning new things. Staying busy taking course like body sugaring, pedicures, facials, and team leading. Wait, I need to stop myself. I haven’t taken a break. A mom of three, and I didn’t really take a break, or a maternity leave. I worked through it all.  A little guilt maybe, what did I miss in my kids’ growing up? Did they miss anything from me? How am I OK?

Back to goals. I had big goals, dreams, maybe. Dreams of helping wonderful women create healthy families by changing the way they felt inside, decreasing stress. Dreams of working with wonderful women as part of a team so that they could do the best in their careers. I dreamed of opening other locations to share our joy. Taking further courses of massage therapy school. Having friends at work since as an owner, the friend option was never really there. Still OK?

I never expected life to be easy. That is half the fun of it. I always believed that even marriage takes a lot of work if we want to survive it. How though, do I get through it all, all at once, filling days, weeks, months? I miss people – my team, my guests (clients), my kids as they start new adventures at new schools. I miss dreams, goals, focus and always learning. I miss this part of my identity.

One day at a time. One small spark turn can turn into fireworks. One small idea can turn into bigger ideas, can turn into goals, can turn into dreams. One small visit, if you open the door, can turn into a new village. Yes, I am OK.

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