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In Health, Lifestyle, Parenting, Random Thoughts on
March 29, 2019

Parenting in a Panic

I’m going to be straight up honest with you.

I had a panic attack this morning waking up to my children. My youngest miracle is three and hates sleep. I often say he will grow up into a fine entrepreneur since he has no concept of time. I can count on him being in my room between 2 and 5 a.m. every day. When he comes in, so does his older brother, who has a radar go off every time he senses his brother is getting iPad time he isn’t.

When this happens they are like two beta fish in a tank fighting over a kernel of food. These are the days I hold a deep disdain for the high and mighty “we don’t do a lot of iPad time” horse I seem to ride on.

This morning at 4 a.m. I woke up to my youngest and the first thing I felt was a stabbing pain in my chest. I could feel the attack starting. I set him up with an iPad and tried to settle myself down. Convincing myself it was only because I was disturbed in the middle of a sleep that my body had panicked.

An hour later both children are screaming and fighting. One wants oatmeal, one wants pancakes, no wait cereal, no wait toast. But it won’t be done fast enough so can I make them a snack before I make them breakfast? Also:

HE…HAS…MY….TOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

My one son runs upstairs with the other toy, the chase begins.

I haven’t gone to the washroom yet and the list begins in my head. It’s the list I know I’ll forget, the list of everything important that needs to get done today. It’s not the list that gets me, it’s the fact that I know after 32 years of life, that this is the “didn’t do” list, not the “to do list.”

E-mail dings. I have a bride interested in my wedding packages but how much would it be to travel to B.C and would that be something I am up for?

OMG what an amazing opportunity, I’ll just message her back rea….

MOMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

My kid lets out the 911 scream.

Did he fall from the bunk? Is he bleeding from the head? Did he find one of our animals deceased? I’m terrified, my chest stabs in pain. He can’t find his tiger, not just any tiger, his favorite one.

5 deep breathes.

I get a message “Did you register Maverick in Kindergarten?” My heart pangs again.

Oh right. My baby is going to Kindergarten in two weeks and every time I try to think about it, tears well up in my eyes. I message my best friend as I cry, looking for some solace.

My 3-year-old escapes out the front door. I had a chain lock on it but they busted it last week. The three-year-old lets all the animals out just as the neighbours are having cement poured.

Thinking a walk and some fresh air will cure this anxiety and chest pain, I manage to get everyone dressed and out the door.

The coffee shop is packed and my claustrophobia kicks in. I start taking deep breaths but each breath is more painful than the last.

Am I having a heart attack? Maybe this isn’t anxiety. Maybe this is the real deal.

People with anxiety are known not only for having their medical issues dismissed to anxiety, but also dismiss it themselves. Often times I will delay going into the doctor for weeks. There was a time in my life I almost died from a virus thinking I had the flu and anxiety. Another time a nurse didn’t believe me that I was in active labour and said she just thought it was my “anxiety” and didn’t request the epidural.

I purchase some drinks and a coffee, a medicinal coffee in my mind, and leave as quickly as I can.

As I anxiously watch my kids play balancing act and “how high can I jump?” in the park, I start wondering whether I’m honestly having a heart attack and contemplate calling an ambulance. I’ll just google this symp….

My son gets stung by a wasp on his hand, for the second time in as many days.

He is screaming, and I’m worried. I breathe in and it hurts. I pick him up and the weight of him exasperates the pain. I have to put him down, it hurts too much. We abandon our drinks, including my freshly purchased coffee.

I carry him all the way home, all 42 pounds of him as I worry and struggle to breathe. We get home and my chest hurts badly.

I pull out the iPad, maybe I can kick this panic attack with a quick 10-minute meditation.

The kids are fighting, and they’re hungry, and they want to play outside, and can my oldest make his own cereal, can my youngest *insert jibber jabber request*. Also, MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.

My chest aches.

Five things I’m grateful for

Five deep breaths

Pain

Tears

Mommy…

Mommy…

Mommy.

Is the day over yet?

It’s 11 a.m.

This is the life of a Mom with generalized anxiety disorder. What does this mean? It means I am worried about everything, and I always have been. I remember being a child and constantly being told I needed to calm down, not worry, learn to soothe. I had no idea why everyone else wasn’t in a constant state of panic and I was. I remember looking at my Mother after another failed doctors appointment. She was telling me “It’s your anxiety. You need to calm down and stop worrying” and with every bit of sincerity asked “How? How do I do this? Please teach me.”

I have two children now who I love more than anything and a business I have foraged from making my own path to my wildest dreams. I need my own business because my anxiety can make working a 9-5 job detrimental to my health. I carry the weight of mistakes so harshly that I have been known to lose my hair, suffer from chronic vomiting, and panic attacks. Most days, my over thinking will have me at the top of my class in thoughts per minute and common sense. I can analyze situations like nobody’s business and I’m usually two steps ahead of the game.

However, some days I can not see the positives in this diagnoses, and it hits me how real it actually is. The actual physical pain is very similar to when I had pneumonia. It feels like I’ve pulled all the muscles in my chest. I am exhausted. It is now dinner time as I write this, but it might as well be the middle of the night. I have been in flight and fight mode so long I can no longer judge whether situations are safe or unsafe and I am saturated with fear and panic after 12 hours of this. Thoughts are unfiltered and emotionless. I’m just so tired.

As a Mom with anxiety, I could write several books on what life is like for me that is different from others. I remember asking a good friend “How do you plan a birthday party? Aren’t you scared you’re going to forget someone and hurt their feelings?” “No,” was all she replied. Life for any parent is anxious and overwhelming but for someone who has any sort of anxiety disorder, some days can actually feel like parenting is killing you.

If you are a Mom dealing with anxiety I want you to know you are not alone. It can seem like everyone around you is not seeing the same flaming to the ground world you are, and I understand this feeling.

If your today was exactly like mine, just know that the best thing is, tomorrow is a new day and this feeling will pass.

Tomorrow your anxiety may do great things for you!

1. Keep you from getting scammed. Someone with anxiety can see the loopholes in a scammer almost instantly.

2. Be great conversationalists. We are quick thinkers!

3. Be an amazing detective! Whether on the hunt for the perfect car or sleuthing for your bestie, someone with anxiety can deduce several facts as quick as a computer as well as find creative ways to research what they need.

4. Make you grateful. Someone with anxiety knows the worst outcome of every situation, and often times it is us you will find breathing out the most sighs of relief. Every day is a good day when the fear of doom doesn’t actuate, am I right?

5. Make you an amazing risk taker! When your brain has somehow fear mongered you into thinking the outside is a death trap, even walking outside can feel like climbing a mountain. Someone with anxiety is always overcoming a fear one way or another. Especially parents! Every single time we “allow” our kids out of our sight, we are overcoming our greatest fears, so bravo and encore!

6. Make you quick on your feet. Maybe you do something for work that requires you to be a quick decision maker, or maybe you have two active preschoolers as I do. Either way, anxiety is going to give you heightened reaction time! I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard “Wow, great catch!” or “Whoa, save of the day!”

Try to remember while you’re swirling in the tornado that the storm is temporary.

If you can’t see the light than your only job is to hold on. Hold on to whatever you can and breathe as much as you can. The kids will sleep eventually. If it doesn’t get better, talk to someone. Ask for help. Maybe someone who knows what you’re going through, or a professional. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice things in your budget for your time. You are just as important and can not pour from an empty cup. Also, call a spade a spade. If you are having a panic attack, say it out loud. You wouldn’t believe the freedom of just saying it. And remember, it isn’t all bad.

You’re going to be great. Maybe not today but you will be, and remember, you are not alone.

Kayleigh is a professional photographer, writer, boy mom, and entrepreneur. You can see more of Kayleigh’s work at www.16seasons.ca on Facebook  or on Instagram

Twirling Red Dress Photo: www.everlastphotography.ca

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In Lifestyle, Parenting, Random Thoughts on
March 8, 2019

Divorcing or Separating from a High Conflict Spouse

Does My Spouse Have a High Conflict Personality?

  1. Is your spouse rigid and uncompromising?
  2. Does your spouse have difficulty accepting and healing from loss?
  3. Do negative emotions dominate their thinking?
  4. Does your spouse have an inability to reflect on their own behavior?
  5. Does your spouse have difficulty empathizing with others?
  6. Is your spouse preoccupied with blaming others (mostly you)?
  7. Does your spouse avoid any responsibility for the problem or the solution?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, then your spouse may have a High Conflict Personality. According to the High Conflict Institute, these are some of the patterns you see in a person with a high conflict personality.

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In Lifestyle, Parenting, Random Thoughts on
February 1, 2019

Farewell to Our First Home

We recently sold our first home. It was one of those experiences that was so bittersweet and emotional. It was the perfect house, in the perfect neighbourhood. It was our first major purchase together. We were childless, but a home suddenly made us feel like a tiny family. It was where we eventually brought our three babies home. Where we celebrated promotions and pregnancies. Where we grieved over the passing of my husband’s father and the injustices of the world. It was the respite at the end of the long day.

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In Lifestyle, Parenting, Uncategorized on
January 16, 2019

First Family Game Night

Family Game Night

One of the best things is when your kids can actually play board games! For me, my son was about 3-4 when we started playing some simple games together and ever since it has been so much fun. Board games are such a great way to bond as a family, learn new skills like problem solving, planning and strategy, practice emerging skills like counting and taking turns and the ever so important: learning to lose and be ok with it.

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In Contests, Edmonton, Style on
January 14, 2019

Edmonton Renovation Show Giveaway!

We don’t know about you but we are SO excited for the snow to melt and the reno’s to begin! But we really don’t even have to wait do we? Lots can be done inside while it’s chilly outside!

With big names like Bryan Baeumler hosts of HGTV’s Bryan Inc., plus, with more than 225 exhibitors and a slew of exciting new features, there’s real advice and real inspiration at the Edmonton Renovation Show!

The 2019 Edmonton Renovation Show runs:

Friday, January 25th, 2019 – 12PM – 9PM
Saturday, January 26th, 2019 – 10AM – 9PM
Sunday, January 27th, 2019  10AM – 6PM

Buy your tickets online here or enter to win passes below in our GIVEAWAY! Did you know, Kids 12 & under are free!

Thanks to the Renovation Show we have a four pack of tickets to giveaway! Tickets can be picked up at the show box office and the draw will be Monday, January 21st.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

In Events, Lifestyle, Random Thoughts on
November 26, 2018

Stress-Free Holiday Gatherings

Holidays are often the times when we finally make the time to get together with friends and family. Unfortunately, this is also one of the busiest times of the year. We are trying to make our house comfortable and festive, provide an abundance of food and drinks, and be great hosts to our guests. Sometimes, we might get stressed out about all these details that we forget the original purpose was to “just” get together with our family and friends.

I admit that I was one of those people that wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for my guests, and I drove myself and my spouse crazy trying to achieve this. (My daughter didn’t know of anything different.) Over the years, I have found some stress free alternatives to the traditional ways of having gatherings. Here are my suggestions:

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In Parenting, Random Thoughts on
November 17, 2018

National Adoption Month

How many of you have been touched by adoption?

Perhaps you know people, or maybe, like me, you weren’t officially adopted but rather, raised by someone who wasn’t biologically related. My parents met when I was 3. My Dad has been my dad since then. I never use the word “step dad” because I was so young and he’s the only dad I’ve ever known. Even though I wasn’t ever officially adopted by him, he’s my dad.

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