By Ashley Anjlien Kumar, The Confidence Coach
In Part 1 of this 3-part series, I described some of the behaviours a child might exhibit if they have perfectionist tendencies. To refresh your memory, check out the post here. Not only will this help a child with perfectionism, but it can prevent it from developing in the first place.
PART 2: CELEBRATE MISTAKES
Sounds counter-intuitive doesn’t it? Aren’t we supposed to prevent our kids from making mistakes? As kids we were always cautioned against making mistakes, right? So why do I want to celebrate my kids mistakes?
I hear kids all the time, especially in a dance class or sports, “I hope I don’t make a mistake” or “I hope I don’t get it wrong.” They hope they don’t make a mistake because they view the mistake as a diminishment of who they are. That somehow, they aren’t good enough. Many kids, by age 5 or 6 years old, are already determining their self-worth by their mistakes.
In my family, similar to many conservative traditional families, making mistakes was not okay. You did not make mistakes. Mistakes meant punishments.
Negativity and fear seem to be a daily fixture in society right now.
I know I have had many sleepless nights and tumultuous days worrying about everything that is beyond my control. In order to maintain sanity I have chosen to focus on what we still have, and some positive changes amongst all of this crazy Covid-19 chaos. Last night as my husband and I curled up with our glass of wine to watch the last episode of Tiger King, it dawned on me that this was the first Netflix series we had been able to watch in its entirety since the birth of our first daughter seven years ago! We have a million series we want to watch, but never the time to sit down and binge. This hiatus has allowed us the gift of trashy television viewing without guilt! So here are a few more silver linings I’ve been able to identify amongst one of the larger storm clouds of our lives.
#1 The excuse to wear crap clothing
For reasons unbeknownst to everyone, including myself, I have saved much of my childrens’ hole-y, ripped and slightly stained clothing. This is perfect, because now we can save our nicer and more socially acceptable wardrobes for the return to normalcy. As for now, its shredded leggings and mismatched socks all the way!
You are the glue keeping everything together right now. You set the tone for the ebb and flow of your family routines. You are constantly taking the emotional temperature of your child, children, and spouse. Now you are not only Mama but Mme. Mama, teacher as well as cook, nurse, maid, and your own person. And it is to this last point that I would like to touch on at this time. You. You must also rescue yourself right now, you must look after yourself, stimulate and nurture your spirit and mind at this moment that feels like we are trying to stay afloat swimming in a toxic soup of uncertainty.
I am not neurotypical. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, ED, LMNOP… Depression, anxiety and others I don’t know enough about to write about quite yet. Along with these letters, each one carries their own unique symptoms I deal with on a daily basis and while I try not to let diagnoses define who I am, it has been pretty clear that my diagnosis are something I can’t ignore. Also, LMNOP is not a real diagnoses, before we go any further.
When I was in my 20’s I played the game with myself where I decided I would not let my past effect my future. That I would not “dwell” in it and that anything I had gone through before was not going to shape who I was. This led me onto several unsavory paths that definitely shaped who I am if my diagnoses didn’t. Ignoring your symptoms is pretty impossible. While you think you are ignoring them, what you’re actually doing is pushing away anyone effected by your symptoms and bringing in people who have the same symptoms as you in the guise of “understanding” and “relating”. Let me tell you something, two unstable people does not a stable relationship make. In time, your life becomes chaos. The people in it are causing chaos by mirroring what you’re going through and dragging you down with them. The people you should have in your life that love you, you subconsciously push away in order to protect them. Or, you’re too afraid to hear the truth and be faced with the consequences of your own decisions. The decision that you were going to ignore your symptoms.
I have had anxiety for the majority of my life now that I look back and can reflect on it and health anxiety is a large part of it. My search history reflects a list of asking google about my symptoms. Google and I have a love-hate relationship because nothing good ever comes up with googling symptoms. EVER!!
My anxiety seemed to be managed and I was doing so well for a long time.
Well, you know how that goes. Life happens. Family issues pop up, especially around the holidays. I got busy and missed a few days of my medication and boom. The insecurities, the irrational thinking, the fear, all come on and it feels like I’m drowning again.
And you would THINK you would notice this in yourself but in my case I didn’t. I had to have a friend give a good swift kick and say – Ok, what’s up – you haven’t been like this in a long time. Then it dawns on me, and I remember missing days. And my Dr. has said that particularly stressful times will make my anxiety “flare up” but there is also the issue of time.
It seems like a simple activity that we should all be able to do right? It is cheap, can be done at any time, and doesn’t take any equipment other than shoes.
Most women that I work with feel really frustrated when it comes to running because just doesn’t feel good. They leak, they have back, hip, pelvic and/or leg pain, or it just feels awful on their bodies.
Lots of Mamas I meet love running and want to return to running races or plan a getaway for a destination race. Some just want to get out for a run a couple of times a week for fitness and for the mental break. Many want to run with their kids and not be stuck on the sidelines watching as their kids grow.
The most common strategy that I see women take with running is to take it slow. They start with a slow 20-30 minute jog around the block with plans to work their way up to longer or faster runs.
And I totally understand why! I made the same mistake myself nearly 9 years ago when I returned to running after my first baby Avery was born.
This approach misses a few KEY strategies though, which is why many women find it hard to get past this distance or they quit all together.
The Mamas love local and we hate grocery shopping.
So, when we learned about truLocal at the Edmonton Home and Garden show, we were intrigued!
Upon further investigation we learned that the basic idea is that they source LOCAL meat and deliver it to your door. Yes, it is subscription based BUT you choose your frequency. You can skip boxes – even pause or cancel at any time – no strings!
It was a real treat getting the box and seeing exactly where the items came from in Alberta. For example these DELISH steaks from Fort MacLeod.
SkirtsAfire Festival in Edmonton is self-described as “diverse and daring”. When you visit the festival be prepared to be immersed in powerful, beautiful, engaging performances, exhibits and workshops in Theatre, Poetry, Spoken Word, Design, Art, Dance, Cabaret, Music, Comedy, Yoga, and more.
We have taken in their 2017, 2018 AND 2019 MainStage Productions. In 2019, we had the pleasure of taking in not one, but two plays in one night. Statue and Deep Fried Curried Perogies. Both interesting and thought provoking shows.
I would not categorize myself as a giver of great advice, a life coach or motivational speaker but I will tell you that over my 39 years I’ve discovered a few great truths to live by.
I’ve not overcome any great challenges, but I have overcome many small ones. Breaking cycles, making choices based not on what I’ve learned early on but what I see makes other people whole, happy and admirable. I thought you might enjoy or maybe even be inspired by My Truths.
1. Hate and anger really are poison.
You don’t hurt anyone but yourself when you hang on to it. The person your anger is aimed at is more than likely not going to change just because you’re mad at them. You on the other hand have a choice not to allow whatever it is to rule your choices because 9 times out of 10 when you make choices based on anger, resentment and vengeance you make the wrong one.